This time I had to stay overnight. I stayed at the Hilton.... hahaha. If you knew St. Johns you would think that was hilarious. Anyways, so I flew up on the plane Monday morning and came back on the Tuesday night flight. Besides being exhausted, I've been really emotional lately (no, I am not pregnant).
I think I know the reason. I really like my job. Almost borderline love. But I'm premature in saying I love it. I have my days. But, what I like most about it is the power plant. I enjoy being there. Although, the equipment still makes me nervous... I never did like standing next to a big piece of machinery wondering, "is it supposed to sound like that?" Still. I feel comfortable there.
See, the thing is I left Palo Verde because I wanted to have a family. I wanted to spend time with my kid(s). I wanted to be a good mom. I was great at my job. The nuke world is a very small one and the promise of quick advancement was exciting and scary at the same time. BUT. But a 3 hour drive is not ideal to raise a family. Nor is working during the holidays or getting called in at night and having to stay for 16+ hours while trying to get the equipment back up and running. So I decided to leave.
Then I started at SRP. I rotated twice into this awesome job. I've been able to see the project from the beginning and it's fun and it's new and it's construction and it's really, really cool. They need engineers really bad and they are trying hard to get us (there are 3 of us rotators) to stay (and work in St. Johns).
But here again, I'm so torn. I want to stay. I want the job. I wouldn't mind living in St. Johns. But its so out of the question. I keep trying to tell myself that there is no way it could work. On the other hand, I think how it could work.
Have you ever wanted something so bad and knew you couldn't have it? Because this seems to always happen to me. I think I've realized what I really enjoy I can't have. I was on the verge of tears the other day just talking about it. Is it bad to want a career and not just a job? And why does it seem I have to choose a career or a family? Obviously family comes first no matter what. But it's hard when your boss keeps trying to recruit you... (and your bosses boss...)
Life isn't fair is it?
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3 comments:
That's hard. I worked when McKay was a baby but it wasn't anything that I loved or really even liked all that much so giving it up was easy. It would be hard if it was something fulfilling. Pray. That's the only suggestion I have for you.
I have this quote on my fridge: "God has not intended that we should be able to do everything we would like to do. If there were not more to do than we are individually capable of doing, we wouldn't have to make choices and we would never realize what we value most." When I feel like that, I remember this quote and it helps me feel better about the things I'm missing out on, because the things I'm experiencing are better.
Thanks. I really needed that. Kiri, I miss you!
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