The Ugly Duckling...

Such a fitting title for such a fitting story.

But first my dears, if you have clicked the hyperlink which has brought you to this page, you may proceed. If you have no idea what I'm talking you must click here.

This is how it really went:

I think we had just done a photo shoot with Jana and I was talking to her on the phone about our pictures. She had commented on something about my make-up and how it looked professionally done. Then in passing (I know. Jana, passive? what?) she mentioned something about wanting a make-over and how to get a fresh new face.

I said something like,"Jana, you don't give me a whole lot to work with. After all I'm not a plastic surgeon". Then we carried on about what I could do.

Of course I did not say that. You fools.

Casually I brushed it off and we ended the conversation. I mean I just don't volunteer my services like that. So following the three day rule, (you know, that stupid rule guys make up) I sent Jana an email like something-something-when-do-you-want-me-to-do-your-make-up-something-something. Then to build up the anticipation I waited a week. This gave me ample time to scope out her make-up regime.

She probably didn't know it, but I had my eye out for all the little details on Sunday.

Observation A: She wears black eyeliner (heaven forbid, I bet she always wears black eyeliner)
Observation B: Bright red lipstick (good heavens! doesn't she know bright red makes thin lips even thinner?)
Observation C: No blush (for shame, for shame)

Last night I packed most of my makeup in my little silver caboodle case. But I wish I had a bigger one since it can really only hold eye shadows. Anyway, so I arrive on her doorstep and am greeted by the little boys. Art was hovering over the sink trying to get the disposal to work. So then before I sprawled my millions of dollars worth of makeup all over the sofa, I asked Jana to bring me what she normally wears every day.

In the back of my mind I thought, "Please don't whip out a black eyeliner and say you use it every day". What does she whip out but black eyeliner, an emtpy eye shadow case, lip gloss or lip stick (I can't remember since I took one look and said "Oh dear me"), some brown eye shadows and mascara. Oh, first she put them in a cereal bowl. She was trying to be fecicious. I thought, doesn't she know this is serious? I giggled with her, to be nice of course.

We went over the colors and especially over the eye liner, which I chastized her for. Which she then retorted, "Really, WHY"? I tried to explain for blue eyes go BROWN, BROWN, BROWN. Dark brown, medium brown, coffee bean brown. Whatever shade but let it be BROWN, BROWN, BROWN. She was still unconvinced. Well I would just have to show her.

But don't get too excited. Next I opened up her eye shadow. Uhm, was it a mirror? Was it empty? Jana looked at me. I looked at her. Silence. Then I whipped out my handy dandy magnifying glass and pointed it in the corners. There it was. Silvery eye shadow.... dust. I lost it. Was she for real? Did she really wear this every day?

So after peeling myself off the floor, we did one eye with her browns. She wasn't feeling it. I feel like I need more, she said. I tried to remind her it was supposed to be an "every day" look. Then with the same eye again I used my shadows to darken it up. It wasn't floozy enough she said. She wanted dramatic. I tried to remind her again "every day". But she still wanted floozy. So I did a smoky eye.

I whipped open her "smoky" eye shadow and picked up the little applicator but before I could dab into the corners she said "oh be careful, the tip falls off".

DEAD SILENCE.

Then bursting laughter. I could barely hold myself upright.

Somehow I was finally able to proceed and finished off both eyes. I felt like she was unpleased. Unconvinced. She kept looking at both eyes. Finally she agreed. Brown was better. I thought to myself, I can't believe she is going to SLEEP with all of that on her face. I was totally appalled when she told me she never removes her makeup when she goes to sleep. That she washes it off the next day in the shower. Ugh. Then she went on and on about how great her skin was and that she's never had a zit in her whole life. She kept rambling and then all of a sudden I felt this overwhelming rush of.... pity. How else can I help her, I thought.

But I was exhausted and decided that I would save that thought for another day. I needed to go to bed.

And that my friends is how it really went.